I got a jms catalog in the mail today with a sale on bras. Flipping through the catalog, I see they are having a sale on bathing suits. I am eternally on the lookout for the perfect suit that will hold up my saggy boobs. The best I’ve come up with so far was to sew an underwire bra into a tankini. It works in a pinch. But I can’t really move in it. So there’s that. Back to the catalog. They list a “mastectomy” bathing suit. I’m thinking, “What’s worse than saggy boobs?” Well, no boobs. Of course. But the thought enters my head that it may have some neat kind of hoodo voodo boob panel thingies that might work to my advantage. And it’s on sale. I do a search on mastectomy suits, which leads me to a search on the real question “what bathing suit is best for saggy boobs?”. You would have thought I could have thought of that on my own. Apparently not. One of the answers to that question leads me to this site (http://www.lindasonline.com/swimwear.html) which has awesome suits that are fully supportive, underwire and adjustments at the back so you don’t fall through. Awesome! But really expensive. Trying to be helpful, I post the link in a forum where another woman that had lost a ton of weight after gastric bypass asked the same question and never got a good answer. I’d never been to the forum before and it was kind of weird. It’s called Daily Strength. Which sounds cheesy and stupid, but turns out to be a support group site for all kinds of issues, not just bypass. Kind of like a yahoo groups thing. Which led me to another search.

Now. If you know me at all, you know I’ve been rambling uncontrollably because I’m probably trying to avoid something. Hell, you have to admit how well it works. If you’ve read through all the above crap, you must really love me or are totally bored. In which case, you probably deserve some actual content at this point. Where was I? Oh yeah. Avoidance. I guess I’m finally going to write the post that I’ve been avoiding writing for a couple months now. If you already know this information, you can stop here and I totally apologize for wasting your time with all the rambling and appreciate your support. You can leave now. For the rest of you, I’ll start off by saying that Travis and I decided to have a baby. Finally. This was not an easy decision. We had decided NOT to have any babies. Ever. Life was moving on. Then Travis’ dad died. And it dawned on me that I hadn’t obsessed about Syd being MY baby because she just was. All the people telling me it was stupid was not nearly as effective as one day just realizing that you feel it through your entire heart. I say through and not with, because it somehow expresses it better. Anyway, those two things had kind of a big impact on the decision. And it’s a weird thing to decide. You can’t decide to try to have a baby unless you really want one. The problem is that you really have no control over it. Right? So I put in a call to my doctor, who put me on an estrogen patch because I was having some mild hot flashes, whether I could actually get pregnant. She says that with my blah blah blah being 81 that if I were in my 40’s it might be an issue, but I was still young enough that if I did it soon and consulted with a fertility doctor it was a possibility. I then make an appointment with a fertility doctor and tell them explicitly that I want them to have my records there so that they can discuss my medical information without having to guess or redo anything. The day of the appointment I go in, ask the women at the desk if they have my records, and of course they don’t. So, she’s off trying to find them. I get called into the doctor’s office. I again ask them about the records and was told that they were requested weeks ago but they don’t have them and she’s going to go have them fax them over right away. Meanwhile, the doc comes in and he’s awesome. He is the nicest guy ever. I give him my whole med history….I’m healthy, lost a ton of weight. He’s not worried about me being pregnant with the gastric bypass, I tell him about the meds I’m on and let him know I want to talk to my psychiatrist to find out if those need to change upon getting pregnant, etc. As we still don’t have the records, I tell him that the reason I came to him was because of the low estrogen level and that I didn’t know the details but I remember them saying something about it being 81. He responded that he really wasn’t worried at that level and didn’t think it would be a problem. We start talking about all the vitamins I’m currently taking and what I would need to increase, ovulation prediction kits, etc. I’m feeling pretty happy that he seems to be not worried about anything I’ve told him so far and I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but we all know that even at that point it was too late. Curtain closes. Act 2. In walks his assistant with my medical records. He starts reading them over, blah blah blah. At some point, as he’s reading, he says, “Oh.” Oh? Oh? “I think I’ve led you down a wrong path and I wish I had these before we started talking.” No shit sherlock. Apparently it’s not my estrogen level that’s low, it’s my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) that is high. Extremely high. He explains that ideally, the estrogen level should be high, the FSH level should be low and somehow this increased communication is a pretty damn good indicator of how likely it is that you can get pregnant. But, it’s high. Really high. Really, really high. That normal FSH levels fall between 5-10. Women on the other side of menopause usually fall somewhere around 30-40. Did I mention mine was 81? At this point we start discussing all the options, none of which at this point involve ovulation prediction kits. Could the test results have been fucked up? Do I have a tumor affecting my pituitary gland that’s affecting the signals? Yes, he said tumor. He decides that he’s going to retake the tests. One then, with my estrogen patch still on, as a baseline. And then again, two weeks later, to see how it’s affected. However, oddly, he still says that it’s a good idea to check with my doctor to see about needing to change my prescriptions. This seems extremely strange considering. But, again, gives me an inkling of hope that the original results were fubar’d. Why would he have me check if it was totally impossible? Anyway, trying to keep a long story from getting longer, the results came back at 36 or something. Ok. It was no 81. That has to mean something, right? Hell, it went down 50 points in one week. Certainly it could go down another 30. Piece of cake. Yeah. No. So I take the patch off and he does another test. In the meantime, Trav and I have decided that weirder things have happened and we’re just going to have him take the IUD out and see what happens. Couldn’t hurt and Travis is certain he has superior sperm that can overcome any of my crazy weirdness. I call the dr. office and tell them I want them to remove the IUD at my next appointment, when I’m going in for the blood test results anyway. I get to the appointment and, as he expected, once the estrogen was lower, the FSH went higher and was back somewhere near 60 something. Which is bad. And he doesn’t want to remove the IUD because it’s providing a level of progesterone that, if I’m really post menopausal and my body is not producing, could cause some serious issues. That removing it to “see what would happen” could be worse because of the lack of hormones. Apparently, and don’t quote me on any of this stuff, you can go look it up on your own if need be, as the FSH (from your brain) sends a signal down to the ovaries, and doesn’t get a response, then there is this weird feedback loop causing the FSH numbers to go up. From what I’ve read, even infertility clinics don’t want you if you’re above 12. Look. You have to admit. I never fuck up anything half-assed. Anyway, to rule out more serious issues, he orders more tests. I got to do a cool bone density scan that only old women get and found out my bones haven’t started eating themselves yet. That’s good. And I found out that there’s probably no tumor because my body is not overproducing antibodies to attack anything. And I got a karyotyping done, which gives me a cool picture of all my chromosomes and prove that indeed I am a female and not genetically a mutant. At least, not in any way they can see upon initial perusal. So. No babies. Usually, I’m fine. My sister thinks we dodged a bullet by not passing on our fucked up genes. There’s that. Tuesday I had my annual exam. There’s nothing like somebody digging around in your vajajay to bring up all the other stuff. Look, if you’re still after 1600 words you probably deserve a naked picture by now. No, not of me. God, no! But I haven’t really told many people about it. And I hadn’t written about it. And I really needed to. Even now, and I apologize wholeheartedly, I could probably explore what I’m feeling a little more. But, I have to go make dinner. OH! Just so there’s continuity…On the support site, I searched for Premature Ovarian Failure (which is what the doctor told me I had). Don’t know why. Don’t know how. There’s just no more eggs. They flew the coop. Or something. Which led me to an interesting posting by a woman that led me to this site http://poi.nichd.nih.gov/index.htm where they are doing research studies about POF. Which they are actually now calling Primary Ovarian Insufficiency and I find very interesting. Apparently, they are looking for monkeys. I emailed them. Not because I think they can help. Mostly because I HATE it when I get the “just because” answer. Tell me something scientific, assholes. Even if it’s just bullshit. So if they are doing an actual study, they can have my records if they need ‘em. Doubt it. But why not? Maybe they can tell some other poor sap why she’s barren. Barren is an awesome word. Makes me cry on cue. There will be much wine drinking later. But, for now, I must go make dinner.

Ok, that sounded creepier than I meant it. I’ve been getting all these new user registrations for this site and I’m feeling guilty because I haven’t written anything. Any requests? lol I’m much more active on Facebook these days. Until I get the blog bug nibbling at my brain again, you can visit me there. Or, maybe you were already there and that’s what sent you here? I dunno. It’s too early and I haven’t had enough coffee to work it out.

Flood stuff is boring.

Here are two of my paintings from last quarter that I finally got photos of. I did a series on pills. Really, I just couldn’t think of what else to paint and was taking some drugs and Trav said I should paint those. The one of my hand has disclaimers from the crazy pill packaging written where it looks like there’s wrinkles. I was being edgy. lol There was a third one in the series, but I rushed it so it was only so-so.

We couldn’t actually drive out because our cars were flooded. I’m pretty sure my piece of crap is totaled. Yay for small favors? Once we got out of the boat, we walked to the trail where some neighbors used their ATVs to shuttle us far enough down the road so that Jerry’s daughter’s husband’s father could pick us up. We went to their house, showered off the crap, at some pancakes. Luckily, Jerry’s daughter and hubby own a small construction business that is run out of a nearby house. It has a tiny bed and a tiny kitchen and a tiny toilet that flushes. Thank god.

Oh yeah…all the flooding? That was in the last 24 hours. Guess what? It just started raining again.

Here they are. I love them. Isn’t that crazy? The first one is mine and the second one is Trav’s.

Here are the very first ones we did. We were supposed to find a painting by a master painter and copy it. Nothing like boosting your confidence right off the bat! lol

If you want to see a picture of the original, go HERE.

If you want to see a picture of the original, go HERE.

These are done in a style called grisaille of a still life the instructor set up. The whole thing was done in raw umber and white and then glazed with color. I think my lemon looks like a boob.

These were our “final” pictures. We could basically pick anything we wanted, but we only had two class periods to do it. It was crazy.

This picture just about drove me insane. I had a photograph I was trying to copy and I couldn’t draw the damn cup. Why? Because I can’t draw. Duh. I wanted it to look exactly as the picture so I had a minor nervous breakdown. Then I got over it and I’m so proud of how it turned out. The whole thing is done in Raw Umber with no color. It was Trav’s idea to make the steam 3-D and I came up with the idea for copper wire. Why a coffee cup? I dunno.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this picture. It’s a Mickey that Travis’ dad got for him on the day he was born. Because Bob isn’t doing so hot these days it had a lot of sentimental meaning attached to it. It’s my absolute favorite of all of them.

I’m a bad, bad poster. I know. Anybody still out there?

Here are the cliff notes. Stuff you might already know, but whatevah. Summer break is FINALLY here. Whoo hoo! That gives me a chance to finally get caught up on all y’alls blogs again. Put them all into Google Reader since my old blog feed mechanism croaked. So post some good stuff. K? Or call me. Really. You can. If you wait for me to call you, it will never happen. So if you can get over the fact that I’m a selfish, self-centered bastard, call me. I’ll breathe through it.

Had Lasik eye surgery. Eyes are finally doing better. The were pretty sure it wouldn’t fix everything so I’ll have to go in and have it done again in about two months. My distance vision is for the crap and my eyes get tired more easily than they should and I don’t have the crispness I was hoping for, so hope all that gets taken care of second time around. Still…no glasses is awesome!

Painting class was better than I could have ever hoped. I’m sure a lot of it had to do with taking it with Travis. It’s like I get credit for all his +social buffs. Cool beans. Brought home our pictures. Will take pics and post them THIS WEEK. There, I set a deadline. Hold me to it.

Have to scan in some other pics. But until then… here’s the nose ring.

And here’s a musical interlude of a local band Travis found called the Fleet Foxes. Song makes absolutely no sense, but it’s addictive as hell. LOVE IT!

White Winter Hymnal from Grandchildren on Vimeo.

First I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Evan. I wish you much booze and good sex. Oh yeah… and happiness and love…blah, blah, blah.

I have to say that I’m extremely touched by the messages saying that you guys missed my posts. I figured nobody was reading and I think I may have been throwing a bit of a temper tantrum by not posting. I never claimed to be mature. Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend clicking on anything because I seriously need to update this page. Dates are outdated and links are unlinkable. Just not a priority atm.

Today was a big day. Sydny got braces, which ironically have somehow camouflaged the beaver teeth. Who knew? She just got them a couple hours ago so the twinges of agony are just starting to make themselves known. I feel for her. It dawned on me the other day that the original plan was to get mine OFF in time for our wedding. Which sent me into a spiral of feel sorry for myselfedness for a variety of reasons. One, because that means I’ve had this shit on my teeth (ewww) for almost 7 years now, and Two because it brought up the whole never having had a wedding and saying vows garbage. Thing I’ll ever let that go? Doubt it. The result of which was that I had a freaking break down at my ortho office and just wanted to scream at him to take them off NOW!!!!! Of course, then he pointed out that the whole reason I got them on in the first place was to bring down that fucking tooth that’s still up there and it’s finally making progress and it will take twice as long if I get rid of the braces. So I still have them on and it’s whittling at my soul a little more every month I go in for an appointment and there’s no progress. Cest la vie. Whatcha ganna do?

Along the lines of futality… I went to see the optometrist to get contacts. They’ve ordered 4 different brands, each taking 3 weeks to finally come in, and none of them have worked so far. I think he’s finally given up. He is going to try one more brand but I’m not holding my breath. Until then, we’ve gone back to the original pair we started with a month and a half ago that I am only supposed to wear for 10-12 hours because they aren’t breathable enough or something. Grrrrrrr.

I’m actually on summer break. The first day I felt all crappy and didn’t know what to do with myself and now I’m freaking out because I start summer school on Monday and haven’t accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish. Partly because there’s been a lot of family drama. My grandpa died last week so I’ve been hearing my sister talk about how my family has completely flipped out. So glad she went to the funeral ‘cuz I couldn’t have handled them all. Trav’s dad found out he has some pretty invasive cancer that they can’t remove. Cheery.

Speaking of fun and games, Genny went to the hospital in the middle of the night last night because she has a kidney stone. Was feeling all kinds of wanting to die crappiness which was compounded when she went to get back in the car and ripped her earing out, taking half of her earlobe with it, and henceforth needed 12 stitches.

Grades come out tomorrow. Shouldn’t be too many surprises, but you never know. The good news was that I didn’t have to take my math final. I went in during the last week and my teacher said I got 100% on the last test and had a 98% in the class overall so I didn’t have to go to any more classes or take the final. I was so stressed already that it totally made my day. That’s two classes that I didn’t even need the final. Damn, I’m good. lol Not as good as Travis, though, who somehow succeeds in proving his superior smartness every damn time. I get an A- in chemistry, he gets an A+. Fucker. Especially since he was all whiny about not caring if he failed the final blah, blah, blah. Did I mention he’s a fucker? Also, in mass media, the teacher grades on a curve. Travis got the best grade and I think I got third or something. Man, that class was so ass. It was online and I could not for the life of me figure out what the teacher wanted so I bombed on a lot of stuff. Mostly because I just can not write in “journalistic form”. Its either got to be some kind of a scientific reporty kind of thingie or I have to be able to write where I can use my “voice” and express stuff. Heh. Hard to believe I did so well in English reading this, isn’t it?

Work was going amazingly. The teachers were so used to having dumb ass kids work for them that when somebody took the job seriously they didn’t exactly know what to do. It was awesome. Neither of the two I worked for over Spring quarter are teaching summer classes, but one of the other english teachers already wrote the work study maven and said she wanted me to work for her. Did I mention the new teacher is a super cute hottie chick that’s not too shabby to look at? Yippeee.

Oh, one more thing. I went today and got something that “sounds like” (tugs on earlobe) my hose fierced. Oh yeah? You try and come up with something else that rhymes. lol It’s just a little silver stud, but I luuuuv it. The first two comments I’ve gotten are that it looks sexay so that can’t be a bad thing.

Ok, well that’s all I got for now. Ganna go play WOW, which I am shamelessly addicted to again. Must…have…uber…gear. Pathetic.

I’m too brain dead right now to start my journalism reading so I will waste a little time and write to you all. Huh. That sounded harsh. I don’t mean to say that communicating with my nearest and dearest is a waste of time. Just that the act itself is not going to facilitate the ever growing mass of stuff on my platter. You know.

School is going really well. Taking Intermediate Algebra, Yoga, Intro to Mass Media and Chemistry. The last two, Trav and I are taking together. The Mass Media class is online. It’s interesting, but mostly just feels like I took the course to read the entire book and take a quiz at the end. Blah. So far I’m completely in love with my Chemistry class. Would turn out to be very convenient for my goals if this enthusiasm continues. MOST of the time, Trav and I are extremely compatible as lab partners. Our strengths and weaknesses balance very well about 99% of the time. Today, though, we got in a snit over something during class. It’s really weird. With a regular classmate you really just end up discussing the lab and whatever and who gives a crap. But when it’s your spouse and they happen to say something that’s a little contentious… well it’s a whole ‘nother ball game ladies and gentlemen. Obviously, it would be more effective if the marriage were left at the door. But who are we kidding? Don’t worry. Mommy and Daddy made up during the second hour of lab so all is well.

The other interesting tidbit is that yours truly got an actual, paying job. Yup. How ’bout that? I’m pleased as punch, really. I signed up for work study and got hired on campus as an Instructor’s Assistant. It’s not a lot of hours and it pays for crap, but it’s a job. It’s on campus so I don’t have to drive across town. It’s almost infinitely flexible. As long as stuff gets done, I can practically work whenever. I love it. I’m working for a Philosophy/Gender Studies teacher and an English teacher. Both are younger, very nice women and have made the transition back into the “working world” very smooth. It’s not exactly brain intensive, but it’s kinda fun. Mostly, I just order stuff from the print shop for them and some basic grading and entering grades into the computer. One of the teachers is extremely anal about everything and very neat. The other is like a hurricane. Cracks me up. Also, I’m still somehow surprised that these idiots are turning in papers without their names on them. I had to figure out one today that was turned in on an 1/8th of a piece of graph paper that they had torn from another piece. And it had scribbled initials for the name so the only way I could give the dork any credit was by sleuthing through another stack of older assignments and matching up the paper and handwriting. Seriously. There’s no way I would put up with any of that crap, but what are ya ganna do? Today was only my third day. But so far, things are going very well. OH! And my old English teacher contacted this English teacher and told her that if I had any extra hours she wanted me to work for her. So, that was quite the ego booster.

Last two weeks Travis and I have been using a trial membership at a nearby gym. It’s been really fantastic. A little harder to work around school and work, especially for him, but we’ve come up with a schedule that seems to work pretty well. One thing I really, really like is that they are very family friendly. Sydny has been getting up at 5:30 am to go with us. It’s totally surreal and great. Syd work out on the cardio equipment for her workout. And she really works out! On Monday afternoon they have a teen strength class for kids between 11 and 15. A trainer takes them through all kinds of stuff and shows them how to use the equipment. Totally kicked Sydny’s ass last time. Our last day of the trial is tomorrow so we’re kind of hoping they are going to work with us on some of the fees. If they won’t, we’ll be off to try someplace else that does give a discount. It’s just too expensive to get three people started up. They have showers there, which is awesome. We can all shower and get dressed there in the morning instead of taking turns in our little shower with no hot water and crappy water pressure. One of the other places we’re considering doesn’t have showers so that would be a downer. Also, this place has free classes. Travis and I went to the yoga class last Sunday morning. Oh my god! I swear, I’m still in pain! You would think that since I’ve been DOING yoga that it would have been easier. But when it’s a different KIND of yoga, then it’s like starting over from scratch.

Speaking of yoga, I got a new toy! I was going to insert a picture here, but it was a little hard to tell what it is so I’ll spare ya. It just looks like a purple yoga mat. lol The one I got is considered the “mercedes” of yoga mats and it’s supposed to last forever. I got mine on e-bay and it’s brand new so I didn’t have to shell out the $60 or whatever everybody else wants for it. The problem with brand new is that new yoga mats have a break in period. Especially, the good ones that aren’t just made out of foam whatever. What that means is that it has this thin film that is supposed to wear off over time to make the mat “sticky”. What THAT means is that right now it’s slipperier than snot. I thought I was ganna kill myself at that last yoga class. EVERYBODY says that it’s worth sticking it out and I’ve read lots of tips on speeding up the breaking in process so we’ll see how things go next class. Right now I’ve got it hanging outside on the clothes line with goo gone sprayed all over it, letting the rain and sun hit it. Weird, eh?

Okie dokie. Well, Trav is yelling at me saying I’m typing TOO LOUD so I guess I’ll get back to homework. Hence, the title.

Wow, that ceaslut is a lucky gal. So sorry I only got this email by mistake. lol

Your baby-makeris too small.

Tired of loosing control in bad.

Dont worry we know the solution of this problem.

Try our product and you will become a king of bad.

Of course, in case I missed that one, I got the exact same email with this as the first line instead…

Your cucumberis too small.

Really, now I think they are just putting me down because they are jealous. On the bright side, though, I have a terrible craving for salad. And Spam. Huh.

Ok. Now I’m just weirdly obsessed to see how many different euphemisms they can come up with and how many times I get the same email. lol

Your bell-ropeis too small.

Since he doesn’t post on his blog anymore, I guess I’ll have to post his pics here. Here’s Travis’ 9 month pictures. He’s lost a few more pounds since then so I’m sure his one year pics on May 4 will look even better. Down to 219 (at last doc visit) from 348.

Easter is stoopid. I don’t get it. And I’m still sick of ham from last year so I’m just not doin’ it. The college was having some kind of family Easter thingie today but turned out to be a bunch of little kids and was kind of a bust. We did, however, get a picture with the poor sap in the bunny suit. On the bright side, we went out for lunch and saw Horton Hears a Who (which was very funny) so it was a good day. Oh, and I got a new dooooo. The wind is blowing it all to hell and gone in the picture, but you get a good idea. Good lord, why do I always look like I’m smirking when I try to smile in a picture? I need classes or something. That’s just sad. Well, even if I can’t figure out how to smile, I can still smell a deal a mile away. My blouse? $2.97 at Penney’s baby.

Grrr. It looked like my page was displaying two of the exact same posts so I deleted one of them except it deleted them both so I had to paste it back in but now it’s out of order. That’s why.

All these damn documentaries say they are coming out this year. WHEN?? This first video cracks me up, btw. Everybody’s got an opinion. How come nobody can just say we don’t know what we don’t know? Instead, someone comes up with a theory, and because everybody buys into it, nobody feels the need to continue researching it. Nutrition is just one of those fields that the more you learn, the more stuff doesn’t make sense. I’m pretty sure that anything the government has it’s fingers dipped into is heavily loaded with the “bullshit” factor. Hmmm… USDA, FDA, PDA, PDA (forget the last two)… need I say more? Anyway, there’s actually more snippets of the movie on YouTube. If I put them all together, I can almost pretend I’ve seen it.

I can’t decide which. Honestly, as I was watching the video I tried to imagine myself if the shoes of all the people that weren’t in on the joke. Could you imagine? I think I would have panicked just a little. Of course, that reaction is what makes it cool in the first place.

Ralph Macchio… eat your heart out! Man, these are dumb pictures. I made a dorky face in every one of them. Even worse, it’s been about 2 1/2 weeks since I actually had a class so I couldn’t even remember any poses. lol